The Power of Appeal
by ChaoticParadox
Summary: After years of being insulted, Aizen has finally cracked. Results could be catastrophic. Crack ahoy!


**Warnings: Shameless parody. Dysfunctional, blinding porn star Aizen and mild language. Er, that's about it. **

**Brief note: Did anyone else notice and lulz at the fact that the scene in which Aizen first departs for Hueco Mundo is very much like a cheap, badly made cliché porn? Aizen removes his glasses, pushes his hair back and instantly goes to nerdy nice guy to diabolical sexpot. It's also my personal theory that Tousen is blind and Gin squints because they just can't handle Aizen's porn level. Which is, in fact, over 9000. Anyway, enjoy this short piece! I'm not responsible for any crack-induced comas.**

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**100 Years Ago**

Ichimaru Gin sat quietly in the grassy fields surrounding Rukongai, his sword perched in his lap as he fiddled with the hilt. Surely it wouldn't be too much longer; Aizen understood that he was still young and sitting in one place made him restless and when Gin was restless, someone was likely to die. Despite the images of gruesome slaughter racing through his rather one-track mind, the ever-present smile on his lips never faded. If anything it got wider, which was disconcerting in itself. He hummed a little cheery tune to himself as he waited and just as he was about to get up to slaughter the squirrel staring menacingly (in his mind) at him, Aizen appeared in his usual flurry of sparkles and swishing robes like freakin' Gandalf or something seemingly out of nowhere. "Tch. Freakin' nerd." Gin muttered under his breath, casting a glare at Aizen from underneath his long eyelashes.

Aizen just smiled in his usual charming way, though his reiatsu was flying in angry sparks that seemed to whip Gin across the back like a naughty dog who had just taken a piss on the carpet. "Nerd?" Aizen began, his low, melodic voice lilting in what ordinary people would see as amusement, but it made both Gin and Tousen, who had also appeared out of nowhere, scramble backwards in fear. "I think it's time I showed my two most loyal subordinates who I truly am."

Tousen and Gin's eyes widened and they glanced at one another, tensed and ready to haul ass should Aizen's fingers even twitch towards his sword. Their eyes followed the movement of his hand as it rose to his deceptively gentle looking face and, just as Gin squeezed his eyes shut and began subtly inching away from Aizen, he heard a piercing scream sound from the dark skinned man beside him.

"_Oh God, my eyes! I can't see! It's too much, Aizen-sama, just put them back on!"_

Gin opened his eyes and looked at Tousen, who was writhing on the ground and clawing at his eyes in apparently agony. _Put them back on? What the hell? Did Aizen-taicho take his pants off again?_ Gin had seen Aizen do that before and really, it was nothing to make such a scene about. He was ready to give the melodramatic Tousen a tongue-lashing about being a homophobe when his sensibility kicked in and he turned to look at Aizen to confirm his pants theory. Worst mistake of his life.

For a second he just stared at the older man, mouth slack and a bit of drool escaping the corner before he could stop it. He had taken his glasses off and the effects were astounding. This was _so_ much better than Aizen taking his pants off. Before he could even think of a pick-up line, a searing pain shot through his eyes, making him double over and clench them shut in hopes that it would dissipate soon. Heat flooded his nerves and he pressed his palms against his eyes to find that the skin covering his eyes was hot to the touch. Oh _God_, Aizen had finally snapped and was going to melt his eyes. He actually felt his long, gorgeous eyelashes burning, melting together until he could no longer open his eyes and flailed helplessly, mouth gaping like a fish.

"_Christ! _Okay, I get it! You're not a nerd!" He finally begged, hands shielding his eyes protectively as he bravely moved to use the limp Tousen as a human shield against Aizen's newfound sexiness. It was at that moment as he blindly lifted an equally as blind Tousen to hide behind that he decided where his loyalties lay. If Aizen could do that by just removing his nerdy glasses, imagine what he could do if he did something with his _hair._

**Present**

Oh, they were all going to get it. Years of torment, of being called a pushover and a nerd, of whispers about poor Aizen-taicho who couldn't get laid if he smeared himself with chocolate and did a mating dance in a field of nymphomaniacs. _I'll show them who can get laid. It's me. Yamamoto has some nerve to say such things, I bet he can't even get an ere-_

Promptly, Aizen smacked his head against the desk to rid himself of the images his angsting had conjured. Oh God, he never wanted to picture Yamamoto using his beard to do that _ever _again. The fact that his mind even thought of such things was disturbing. A few more sound smacks and Aizen let out a soft groan of satisfaction. _It hurts so good. See? I am a Sex God. Even my thoughts are sexy. _Just as he was about to lose the battle of resisting his own sexy self, a timid voice sounded from the corner and Aizen nearly jumped out of his skin. Hinamori really needed to stop being so quiet.

"Aizen-taicho...?" She left the question unasked, but he could see in her bewildered gaze that she was thinking that he was hitting the crack pipe. Which was none of her damned business. He smiled disarmingly and inwardly cheered when she seemed too dazed to even close her gaping mouth, much less continue questioning him.

_See? Sexy._

"Shut up, brain." Aizen muttered to himself as he hurried around his almost comatose fukutaicho. It was time to put his plans into action. It wouldn't be long at all now. He allowed himself a (_sexy) _chuckle and hummed a merry tune as he made his way to the chambers of the Central 46.

----

Everything was in place now. His plan was in full swing and entering the final phases, now all he needed to do was wait for everyone to arrive. It wouldn't do much good if only Abarai and a half-dead Rukia witnessed this phenomenal turn of events, and so Aizen entertained the former for the time being by explaining in detail what exactly was going on. Well, a little bit of what was going on anyway. Not like Abarai's brain could keep up with anything but the bare minimum. After what felt like ages, Soifon and Yoruichi joined the little party to warn him and his subordinates that they were surrounded. _Perfect. _In the awkward silence that followed, he merely smiled charmingly at the ladies and attempted not dwell on the fact that there were two attractive, possibly bisexual females pressing against his sides. He attempted, and failed. Who cared if they were wielding swords and threatening his life? Within seconds, his eyes had glazed over, hidden beneath the thick frames of his glasses, and he was entertaining the vision of being dipped in honey and fed to the feisty assassin and her former captain. Complete with "bow chicka wow wow" music, no less.

"Sorry taicho, looks like I got caught." Gin said cheerfully, pulling a disgruntled Aizen from his rather pornographic thoughts. Gin always ruined everything. But this was the moment, the one he'd been waiting his entire life for. Slowly, he lifted his hand to his face and swept the glasses from their perch on his nose, and for the _coup de grace_, pushed his hair back with the hand that wasn't busy crushing the last remaining shred of proof that he'd once been a nerd. It really was a pity he was as blind as Tousen without his glasses, but judging by the silence he could safely assume that they were too dumbfounded to speak. _Of course it was because of his beauty, it couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that he'd just declared himself a God and betrayed Soul Society. What nonsense._ Even the men wanted him; he could feel the lust and envy radiating off of their bodies in hot, sticky waves. Well, too bad. He was off to be a God. _A Sex God._

----

The shockwaves of Aizen's betrayal rooted everyone to their spots. For nearly thirty minutes they all stood in stifling silence, staring at the spot the former Captain had vacated as though willing him to come back and be the nerd they all knew and loved. Finally, a wounded and clearly pissed Byakuya broke the heavy silence, putting voice to what everyone was thinking at that moment, "He _really _needs to get laid."

It was lucky Aizen was off doing a victory dance in his new throne room. If he had heard that _Byakuya_ of all people thought he needed to get laid even after his pulled out his secret weapon, he would have curled up in a defeated ball and wept himself to death. But as it was, he was far too busy being a _sexpot_ to give another thought to those he had left behind to weep over his beauty for all of eternity.


End file.
